{"id":1759,"date":"2023-12-07T10:20:26","date_gmt":"2023-12-07T09:20:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alexisveenendaal.com\/?p=1759"},"modified":"2023-12-07T10:28:08","modified_gmt":"2023-12-07T09:28:08","slug":"first-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.alexisveenendaal.com\/index.php\/2023\/12\/07\/first-love\/","title":{"rendered":"First Love"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A preview of Chapter 41 from Book 2 of my WIP fantasy book series, ‘Sea of Shadows’.<\/strong>
It’s a standalone chapter in many ways, existing as a flashback for one of my main characters.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin De\u2019Car and Rufus Sebatre lay entwined beneath the low arched ceilings of the monastery basement. The room was cool but dry, surrounded by stacks of grains for the monastery kitchens. A singular lantern flickered overhead to light their quiet corner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today was Errin\u2019s sixteenth birthday, and Nine Orders tradition was for a novitiate to choose their calling when they turned sixteen. Errin would have a week to decide whether to take the Grey as a brother of the Nine or leave the order and find a life elsewhere. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A brother of the Nine Orders had to don the Grey and renounce all possessions for the good of others. But brother<\/em> was no longer a term Errin felt comfortable with; they hadn\u2019t told anyone but Rufus, who was kind and understanding when Errin explained their discomfort in the identity they\u2019d grown up with. Rufus assured them, \u201cYou\u2019re not the only person to feel this way. There are others\u2014many<\/em> others like you out in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This shifting identity was one of the reasons Errin had agonised over staying at the monastery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They felt trapped. On the one hand, the Nine Orders were always good to them. Here, they were cared for, educated, and given a proper chance to help people and live selflessly. On the other, the Order had left Errin isolated from the rest of society. If they struck out now, they had no clue where to go or how to live. The only life they knew was within Arkensport\u2019s grey walls. They had even found friendships here amongst the other novitiates after Elder Luquin\u2019s death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, four months ago, a young man named Rufus joined the monastery and changed everything for Errin. The two quickly became inseparable. So much so, that Errin couldn\u2019t imagine leaving the monastery so long as Rufus remained. Was that a good enough reason to dedicate a lifetime to the Nine Orders? The orders forbade romance, and if Rufus left the monastery, his family would disown him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin and Rufus\u2019 closeness evolved from sneaking glances and private smiles to passionate kisses in empty corridors, eventually carrying them to this private spot in the monastery basement, curled beside each other, their hearts beating in rhythm. Rufus raised his hand and brushed aside a thick lock of black hair from Errin\u2019s face, a smile playing over his handsome features. \u201cI love your hair. It\u2019s your best quality.\u201d He leaned in and kissed their nose. \u201cAnd your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGrey,\u201d Errin muttered. \u201cLike the robes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGrey like a storm cloud.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIs that better?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus kissed them again. \u201cIt\u2019s you.\u201d He paused. \u201cI love you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI love you, too.\u201d Rufus: a young man smelling of lemongrass and eyes dancing with mischief. An unexpected boon Errin didn\u2019t know they needed until Brother Amier introduced Rufus to the novitiates four months ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is Rufus Sebatre, secondson of the noble Sebatre Family of Le M\u00e9.\u201d Brother Amier announced. \u201cRufus will train as a religious scholar for the Nine Orders.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut he\u2019s too old to be a novitiate!\u201d one of the boys complained.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not training to be a brother, idiot,\u201d novitiate Gillet muttered. \u201cHe\u2019s a noble.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brother Amier ignored them. \u201cHere in our walls, you\u2019ll treat him like any novitiate. He will pray as you pray. He will sleep where you sleep. He will scrub chamberpots and wash dishes and prepare meals as you do.\u201d Errin noticed the flash of annoyance in young Rufus\u2019 eyes. \u201cHe will study the religious texts as you do, but he will not rise to Brotherhood.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t unheard of, but the practice of training noble boys for scholarship was rare. Errin eyed the new boy with interest and Rufus, noticing their gaze, threw Errin a quick, impish smile. That smile sent an immediate rush through Errin, and they knew from that moment they would very much like to get to know the Sebatre secondson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The two spent every evening sitting on their bunks in the communal dormitory, shared with six other novitiates, discussing life outside Arkensport. Rufus had travelled across large swaths of Karrun for the sake of noble this-or-that and as the secondson, he only had to sit and listen while his elder brother contributed to talks of land and trade and taxes. \u201cIt is very dry,\u201d Rufus had explained.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin asked if he wanted to be a religious scholar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus gave an unhappy shrug. \u201cDon\u2019t have much of a choice. My mother\u2019s as devout as they come and there\u2019s not much else for a secondson.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd if you could do anything?\u201d Errin asked because they knew what it was to not belong somewhere. Since Elder Luquin\u2019s death three years ago, their feelings of detachment had grown until every time they looked in a mirror they felt a stranger stare back at them. I don\u2019t want to be this. But I don\u2019t know what I\u2019d be if I left. Brother, elder, man, husband, father\u2026?<\/em> None of it felt right. It was like a cage, except a bear stood on the other side, snarling and keeping Errin from rattling the bars. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus was more than a balm to Errin\u2019s loneliness. He was a resurrection of sorts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat will you do?\u201d Rufus asked softly, returning Errin\u2019s wandering mind to where they lay amongst the sacks of grain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus stared for a long while, his fingertips tracing small circles over Errin\u2019s jawline. Errin let their eyes slide closed, feeling the weightlessness of Rufus\u2019 presence. \u201cI think you do. You just don\u2019t want to say it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The weight returned and Errin opened their eyes. \u201cI don\u2019t know where I\u2019d go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, you do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOkay, but I don\u2019t want to go without you.\u201d Errin had told Rufus of their interest in the hospital, but they had never really considered leaving the monastery to pursue it. They didn\u2019t even know where to start\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They noticed, then, that something played in Rufus\u2019 eyes. It was that familiar spark of mischief Errin had fallen in love with. \u201cWhat if we left together?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t<\/em> leave.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not supposed to,\u201d Rufus agreed. \u201cBut I have a plan.\u201d He propped himself up with an elbow. \u201cI\u2019m going to join the Karrunian army.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat?<\/em>\u201d Errin sat up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI told you, I\u2019m not made for this sort of thing. Old texts and prayers and stuffy Elders\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe army, though? It\u2019s dangerous.<\/em> Your family would never allow\u2014!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey don\u2019t need to know. Once I\u2019ve signed up, there\u2019s nothing they can do to break my contract until I\u2019ve served my time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut, why<\/em>? Why would you want to be a foot soldier?\u201d The Karrunian army fought land skirmishes on Imla\u2019s borders and backed the squabbles of nobles, but everyone knew the army was preparing for an eventual invasion of Imla. Imla was rich in resources and Karrun\u2019s population increased more than they could build homes to sustain it. Karrunians had already settled parts of Imla\u2019s southern region and their influence was spreading, much to the disfavour of the Imlan monarchy. The tensions between the two continents had risen over the years. If not for the setback of the Withering Death a few years back, a war might have already been unleashed on Imlan lands. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The passion fled from Rufus\u2019 eyes, replaced by uncharacteristic sternness. \u201cI refuse to be a fawning servant or a mindless noble. I want to be useful. I want to <\/em>fight.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you join the army you\u2019ll be following orders like you do now\u2014except you\u2019ll be putting your life in danger!\u201d Or ending other people\u2019s lives,<\/em> Errin thought but didn\u2019t say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus sighed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was difficult not to feel a rise of anger. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell me before? Why now, after we\u2026\u201d Errin trailed off, staring at the floor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They felt Rufus\u2019 warm hand cup their cheek. \u201cI didn\u2019t know this would happen. I didn\u2019t expect to fall in love.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou haven\u2019t given it a fair shot here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not for me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin swallowed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus dropped his hand. \u201cAn army recruiter came by the stables yesterday. She said she was looking for young people to join the fight in the Long Fields. She\u2019s staying at the Miel Inn for another week and said I could come by if I want to join.\u201d He paused. \u201cI\u2019m going to do it. I\u2019m going to sign up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin could see his mind was set. \u201cHow will you tell the brothers?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ll sneak out at night. I still have some coins, and once I\u2019ve joined the army they\u2019ll pay me a soldier\u2019s wage. Until I become a general, that is.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin just stared in disbelief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus took Errin\u2019s hand and brushed his thumb over it. \u201cI can\u2019t stay here. I don\u2019t belong.\u201d He squeezed their hand. \u201cAfter everything you\u2019ve told me, I don\u2019t think you do either.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin didn\u2019t say anything else, and the two snuck back to their dormitory an hour later, unnoticed by the sleeping novitiates. Errin slipped under the covers and stared into the darkness for a long time, contemplating the past four months with Rufus. Their misery only worsened when they remembered they only had a few more days to decide if they would join the Brotherhood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The following day, Errin argued with Rufus in hushed tones in the back of the library. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to go now,\u201d Errin pleaded. \u201cThe army will have more recruiters. Give it a year! One year <\/em>at the monastery.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus\u2019 eyes were sad. \u201cI can\u2019t live here.\u201d He pressed a hand to his chest. \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin placed a hand over Rufus\u2019 own and shifted it to his heart. \u201cAnd what about me?\u201d They knew it wasn\u2019t fair to ask. They had resolved to let Rufus go, and yet here they were, standing before Rufus, begging him not to leave Arkensport. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus intertwined their fingers and kissed Errin\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI knew it<\/em>,\u201d a snide voice shot from behind them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The young lovers broke apart and whirled to their eavesdropper. Errin\u2019s face heated when they saw novitiate Gillet standing there, arms crossed and looking supremely smug. Gillet had been Errin\u2019s rival for years, always jealous of Errin\u2019s better grades and, rare as it was, praise from the Elders. Errin never encouraged the rivalry, but they also hadn\u2019t done anything to make peace with the boy. Now, it seemed that animosity was coming to a head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat are you doing lurking in the library?\u201d Rufus asked coolly. He\u2019d taken an instant disliking to Gillet since arriving at the monastery. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gillet flicked his eyes to Rufus and then back at Errin. \u201cI knew you two were up to something. You\u2019re always sneaking off at night, whispering to each other\u2026 Conspiring<\/em>. I figured you were stealing from the monastery, but this<\/em>.\u201d He looked triumphant. \u201cI hope you weren\u2019t planning on ascending to Brotherhood, De\u2019Car. And what would the noble Sebatre family think, to learn their secondson is a\u2014\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you rutting dare <\/em>say what you were about to say,\u201d Rufus interrupted, eyes burning with cold fury.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gillet looked elated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin could sense the shift in Rufus. They finally found their voice and stepped between the two. \u201cLeave us alone.\u201d Something in Errin\u2019s expression must have put him off because Gillet took a step back and glared at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe Elders will never let you stand as a Brother once they find out about this,\u201d Gillet spat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus took a threatening step forward and Gillet flinched. Errin threw out an arm to catch Rufus in the chest before he did anything stupid. \u201cI\u2019m not a Brother. And nor are you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot yet<\/em>.\u201d The unspoken threat hung in the air. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat do you want, Gillet?\u201d Errin asked in a resigned voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat makes you think I want something?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause I\u2019ve known you for years. What can I do to make you forget what you saw?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gillet\u2019s eyes gleamed as he considered the question. Errin could feel Rufus\u2019 tension like a fraying bell rope. Finally, Gillet answered. \u201cI want gold.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin felt the breath leave them. \u201cGold? I don\u2019t have\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot you<\/em>,\u201d Gillet said, pointing at Rufus. \u201cI want his <\/em>gold. I know he has some. There\u2019s no way a noble would go anywhere without it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus snorted. \u201cWhat do you need gold for?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not staying in the order.\u201d Errin realised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHells <\/em>no,\u201d Gillet threw back. \u201cI\u2019m not wasting my life holed up in this place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin opened their mouth to speak, but Rufus beat them to an answer. \u201cI\u2019ll give you gold as long as you keep quiet about us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gillet held out an expectant hand, palm up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not here,\u201d Rufus hissed in annoyance. \u201cI\u2019m not stupid enough to carry it around with me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gillet let his hand fall, but he stood the victor. Errin shared a look with Rufus before he led them both from the library. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t have to give him anything,\u201d Errin said under their breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus hardly moved his lips as he murmured, \u201cI have to. To protect you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin felt their heart drop as they reached the dormitory and Rufus dug the hidden purse from under a tile. He laid each heavy coin, one by one, into Gillet\u2019s open palm. Both Gillet and Errin\u2019s eyes widened at the amount. It was more than either had seen in a lifetime. Gillet looked almost afraid as he tucked the coins into his pocket and glanced around the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNow keep your mouth shut,\u201d Rufus warned and thrust a finger into Gillet\u2019s chest, \u201cor I\u2019ll do more than threaten you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gillet clamped his jaw shut and nodded before scampering off in a hurry. Errin let out a sigh of relief as the boy exited. They looked at Rufus\u2019s sad expression and murmured, \u201cI\u2019m sorry about your gold.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not that,\u201d Rufus said after a moment, his eyes meeting Errin\u2019s. \u201cI was going to leave some for you, in case you decided to leave the order.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They both stood for a while in introspective silence. \u201cI have to leave tonight,\u201d Rufus decided. \u201cThat gold might have shut him up for now, but it won\u2019t last. If my family finds out about this\u2026\u201d He left the rest unsaid, and Errin had some idea what a noble family might do to a rebellious secondson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ll help you pack,\u201d Errin said, even though all they wanted was to lock Rufus in a room and never let him leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The day passed with excruciating slowness. Errin had to deliver food to the orphanages and Rufus returned to the library to maintain the ruse of his studies. Only when they\u2019d eaten supper and recited prayers did the two come together in the dormitory while the other boys dressed for bed. Gillet eyed them as he crawled under his covers holding to a wadded bit of cloth that Errin was sure contained all the gold coins he\u2019d extorted from Rufus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin and Rufus pretended to go to sleep and waited for soft snores before shirking aside their covers and creeping out of their respective beds. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A roll of thunder peeled outside. A small top window flashed as lightning streaked, then vanished. The dormitory was dim but there was enough light to guide them to the door and out into the hall. Rufus had his pack slung around his shoulders in the purple cloak he\u2019d worn when he arrived at the monastery. They held hands as they tiptoed through the corridors to the back entrance of the building.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When they stood at the small door, Rufus turned to Errin and took their hand in his. \u201cYou can still come with me,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ll be at the Miel Inn until the end of the week.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not a soldier,\u201d Errin said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe can find a place for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For a very brief moment, Errin wondered if that were true. They could <\/em>run. They could find a life together, somewhere in the fields of Imla. Errin could train as a field medic for the army.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But they couldn\u2019t see themselves standing amongst the stern faces of the soldiers, watching them cut people down for the sake of some higher calling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin released Rufus\u2019 hand. \u201cSomeone has to stay behind or they\u2019ll discover us both.\u201d People would scour the continent for a runaway noble, even a secondson. \u201cGoodbye, Rufus.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rufus had tears in his eyes as he grabbed Errin\u2019s face and kissed them with young passion. When he withdrew, they were both breathless. \u201cI\u2019ll write to you,\u201d Rufus promised. He opened the door and pulled his hood over his hair. The rain pelted the cobblestone and ran in small rivers down the streets. \u201cI love you, Errin De\u2019Car,\u201d he whispered, then turned and disappeared into the night before Errin could respond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Errin stared out, ignoring the rain soaking their sleeves as they clutched the doorway until long after Rufus disappeared. Then they closed and locked the door, shutting out the storm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A preview of Chapter 41 from Book 2 of my WIP fantasy book series, ‘Sea of Shadows’.
\nIt’s a standalone chapter in many ways, existing as a flashback for one of my main characters.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1763,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","filesize_raw":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[15,242,348,16,306],"series":[],"class_list":["post-1759","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fantasy","tag-fantasy","tag-magic","tag-sea-of-shadows","tag-series","tag-tide-of-sands"],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/blog.alexisveenendaal.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/12\/Book-TitlesSea-of-Shadows-copy.png","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/blog.alexisveenendaal.com\/wp-content\/plugins\/seriously-simple-podcasting\/assets\/images\/no-album-art.png","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"amazon":{"key":"amazon","url":"https:\/\/music.amazon.ca\/podcasts\/09c34bbc-b359-49af-a286-31830ed5634c\/short-stories","label":"Amazon","class":"amazon","icon":"amazon.png"},"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/short-stories\/id1621456328","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_play":{"key":"google_play","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.google.com\/feed\/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbGV4aXN2ZWVuZW5kYWFsLmNvbS9mZWVkL3BvZGNhc3Qvc2hvcnQtc3Rvcmllcw","label":"Google Play","class":"google_play","icon":"google-play.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.google.com\/feed\/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbGV4aXN2ZWVuZW5kYWFsLmNvbS9mZWVkL3BvZGNhc3Qvc2hvcnQtc3Rvcmllcw","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0lcQCRs52MfYlKs35lVX4K","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"itunes":{"key":"itunes","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/short-stories\/id1621456328","label":"iTunes","class":"itunes","icon":"itunes.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/blog.alexisveenendaal.com\/feed\/podcast\/default-podcast","embedCode":"

First Love<\/a><\/blockquote>